“Here is one of the very reasons I love living in Amsterdam. How could I not? The experience of being a woman in this city is very liberating. Dutch women are known to be very independent and outspoken, and expat females tend to follow the example. What the neighbour does in his private life is his own business – being a woman doesn’t change a word about the first sentence. Taking initiative as to approaching a man, and having your boss not caring about what you do in your free time are just examples, but they are important ones since they help creating a safe environment for women, in which they have space and legitimacy to express themselves in very basic ways. In the meanwhile, the ghosts that popped up my mind when I arrived here, are not worries anymore. I don’t feel the need to avoid a construction site, or a parking lot full of bus drivers, as I did in the past, because I know I won’t be harassed. Slut-shaming? I don’t know what that is anymore. I wear my mini-skirt as often as I feel like – I even bike wearing one – and nobody assumes I am asking for attention. (…) In Amsterdam, the only thing I need to look like is actually like myself.”
This is a quote from Ana’s post “On Being a Woman in Amsterdam.” I am glad she wrote on this subject because it’s something that comes to my mind rather often and the two of us talked about it several times over a cup of coffee or during one of our random walks in our adoptive city, Amsterdam. While I share the same opinion as Ana about the privileges of being a woman in this city and I see a clear resemblance between Lisbon (where she’s originally from) and Bucharest (my hometown) when it comes to freedom of expression for women, I feel like there’s a bit more to say on the subject. So I decided to write about my own experience.
It is indeed liberating to wear whatever you like when you go out and not having to worry about it. Are you wearing a nice dress and heels for a night out? That’s fine, no man will harass you. Are you wearing your pijama when going to the Albert Heijn downstairs to buy croissants and orange juice on a Saturday morning? That’s also fine, people in the shop will mind their own business. Whatever you wear – and whenever you wear it – in Amsterdam you will be just fine.
Looks are not the most important thing here, and this goes for both men and women. What matters is your contribution – as a spouse or partner, colleague, neighbour, member of society. What matters is what you can do. As a consequence, relationships tend to be more functional – the marriage or partnership, the friendship, the collegiality, the community. It’s all a transaction. Just like in business. And nobody wants to lose. So, in order to get any consideration, you first need to prove your value, even more so if you are a woman. Your pretty face and trendy clothes won’t mean a thing if you are not contributing enough. Take that, ladies! It still makes me smile when foreign women traveling to the Netherlands are shocked by the total lack of consideration of their Dutch counterparts when it comes to looks. It takes time to understand where this is coming from. I needed several years.
When I moved to Amsterdam in August 2010, I was very Romanian, so to say. I could not leave the house without first making sure my hair, make-up, clothes, accessories, manicure, and pedicure looked all right. Else, I risked not feeling as my best self. And who wants that, right? This continued as I started my job at the office. There was this important meeting I had to attend – aren’t all meetings important? – and I was wearing a black, office style dress. Nothing extraordinary, trust me. At the coffee machine, a colleague – a friendly Dutch man – approached me: “So, are you going to a party?” I immediately knew he was talking about my outfit. “Yes, the <insert name of meeting> party,” I said smiling, at the same time starting to doubt Dutch men’s approach to fashion. A similar incident happened when I thought of adding a bit of spark to my all-black office outfit. So I put on two golden bracelets, one on each hand. I had bought them from H&M. The colleague at the desk in front of me – another friendly Dutch man – said, pointing at my bracelets: “Are those Gipsy style?” I laughed. After all, he was known for being a funny guy, plus he had brought me soup made by his wife the other day.
Fast forward two years since my move to the city, and there I was, replacing elegant shoes with comfortable boots, shoulder bags with a backpack – much easier to wear during the train commute or when going to the gym after work – suit jackets with cardigans, and trench coats with rain jackets. I gave up on make-up and said good bye to jewelry. These were all personal choices, more or less influenced by what I was seeing around me. I realized I quite liked the comfortable style of Dutch ladies. After all, I had never been a girly girl, not even when living in Bucharest.
There were, however, some things I was never able to assimilate. Wet hair while going to work in the morning? Dry skin on the feet while wearing sandals? Putting on make-up – the entire ritual, starting with foundation and ending with mascara – while commuting in a crowded train? Filing nails, removing nail polish, spraying armpits in the public transport? No, thank you very much. I didn’t like the liberation in that, so I skipped. I believe a bit of mystery never harmed anyone, therefore some processes I’m going to keep for myself, while showing the world only the results.
There are now seven years since I live in Amsterdam. Among other things, this means seven years of unpretentious outfits, hardly any heels, light or no make-up at all, no jewelry. And guess what? In spite of all the comfort this brings, I have lost the ability of wearing a dress or a skirt without feeling clumsy and totally out of my comfort zone. High heels? God forbid! Did you even see what streets and pavements look like in Amsterdam? It’s all bricks.
Joke aside, I do feel that my grace – my femininity, if you want – is slowly fading away in Amsterdam. That’s because I don’t really need it here. What I need is strength to face the cold, speed – and comfortable shoes – to catch the train, and a whole lot of ignorance for the angry commuters stepping on my feet or hitting me with their elbows, no remorse whatsoever. At the same time, I do turn my head whenever I happen to see a lady wearing something remotely feminine on the streets of Amsterdam. Whether she’s Dutch or expat, that lady has my entire attention and admiration. I can even miss the train for her. When staying ladylike becomes a luxury, I can only be in awe when seeing such display of that incredible, feminine energy nurtured by grace and elegance. In the mornings, when I leave the house, I sometimes meet this Italian woman at the elevator. Her look is always impecable and highly feminine. No matter the weather, no matter the commute – I noticed she also takes the train to go to work – she will not give up on her Italian upbringing. Needless to say, I admire her.
Sometimes, when I go out to dine at a nice restaurant or to see a theatre show, I also put on a dress, some elegant shoes – still no high heels – red lipstick, and my favourite perfume. I instantly feel a change. It’s that energy I was telling you about. I suddenly start to feel more powerful, more of a woman. I make a mental note to dress like that more often. And then, as I look around, something very strange happens. Just like no one is bothered by me showing up in a bathrobe at the supermarket – not that I am ever doing that – no one seems to notice my bodycon dress & red lipstick combination either. And this is exactly the point I was trying to make by writing this. This is what I shared with Ana when we discussed her article. This, and my revelation: living in Amsterdam is killing the woman in me. Not only am I losing my ability to dress and act elegantly, I also feel like I am becoming, well, invisible. I am not looking for a partner, I have one. So flirting with men doesn’t interest me. What I would like though is a clue that I am being noticed. I see you and you see me. That’s all. But it will not happen in Amsterdam. There are other places in the world for that.
“We live in a romantic city, yet there is no romance to be seen,” I said to the same male Dutch colleague who asked if I was going to a party when wearing that dress at the office. We were attending a farewell dinner with some other colleagues at a restaurant in the 9 Streets a couple of months ago. To get there that night, I walked across arched bridges, street lights reflecting in the flickering water of the canals. I was once again amazed by the breathtaking beauty of the city, the same beauty that kept me here for all these years. Amsterdam looked so romantic, yet something was clearly missing from the picture. Where were the lovers? Where was the romance? My expat colleagues at the table agreed with what I said. The Dutch colleague nodded. “It’s the fear of rejection,” he said. “Dutch ladies don’t like to be disturbed.” Nothing new about that. “But you,” he said looking at me, “I think you like to be seduced.” We laughed, then dessert came.
My colleague was right. I do like to be seduced. But that’s not the point. What I really like is to be visible. Regardless of what I am wearing and regardless of the profit I am bringing or not. It can’t all be a transaction. It should indeed be my choice if I want to go for a more elegant, more feminine style – like my Italian neighbour – even when the city I live in could not care less about it. But I think we should all make time to look around us every now and then, at the people we pass by, if only to give them a hint that we see them.
The men who behave well when Ana is riding her bike in a mini-skirt, do they even see her? Do they perceive that beautiful energy that comes with it? I have my doubts.
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86 Comments
if the Dutch don’t notice, the expats will, just as you notice your Italian neighbour
That sounds so positive! Thank you. 🙂
I don’t care what they think. For the first few year, my kids were still young, I dressed very casual. But now my kids are older, 1 is 7 while another is 6, I dress what gives me energy, all I know is, if I look good then I feel good! I am from HKG, fashion and style everywhere you go in hkg, but here, everyone seems wear the same style while they don’t really know how to style in a attractive way. I live in Den Haag, not just no style here, no food culture, just no energy really. So stick to whatever you feel good, don’t tell them change you.
I don’t care that much either, of course. But the thing is, if there is no feed-back whatsoever, this will make make us feel very lonely eventually.. Disconnected from the Dutch society. And this is, of course, not what we want. This is not what we came in the Netherlands for. 🙂
Omg I am from Brazil and live in London and could have written exactly the same words!! Assexual human beings 😉
It must feel even more strange to a Brazilian. 🙂
That ‘s why I left the city, back into humanity again. Dutch woman are so shabby and simply no good manners an no elegance.
Only fit to be on a camping site……
Most of them can’t cook either. It”s Dutch “culture”, i’ve had enough
Greetings from civilized Belgium
Sounds like a post feminist apocalypse where a woman is realizing the many advantages and privileges she actually had over men in the first place. All man-hating feminists in the Western world should take heed of this article — because if you find victimization in every little flirt and glance, you can be sure that men will simply stop paying you any mind at all. Amsterdam clearly shows that men don’t give you that attention because of some uncontrollable biological element of masculinity – the men of Amsterdam are clearly capable of ignoring women, while maintaining their masculinity. The lesson to learn from this — which I believe this writer is learning — is that if women fail to recognize their own privileges in society, and only seek to “correct” the privileges they believe men have over them, well men will eventually start denying women the privileges they enjoy as well. The “chivalry”, if you will, must die in a society that truly respects gender equality. I am pleased to learn that chivalry died in Amsterdam’s post-feminism apocalypse, and I can only hope that it fully dies in the rest of the world where feminism has taken root. Because, if it doesn’t, then you haven’t actually achieved true gender equality.
I understand your lamenting the loss of those privileges as a woman, but this is the price we all must pay if this is the kind of society we are striving for. We all must give up privileges. Even you.
I see a lot of “femininity” defined by clothes, make-up and jewelry in the comment sections and I can taste from your text that you feel this is what defines you as a “woman.” What is different – I live in Eastern-Europe as a Dutch person- is the perception of femininity. I think the perception of femininity, the ideals to strive for are very different in my own country, than here in Bulgaria. Women hear wear (Bulgaria) were tons of make-up, high heels, dresses and what not and consider that the epitome of femininity. I like it, it’s not bad, though the make-up is a bit much for me. But in the Netherlands the idea of femininity is different. It’s simply not the same and you cannot expect to adhere to a culture that holds femininity in another perspective and then expect to feel as “feminine” as you would in your own. Women in the Netherlands hold different opinions about beauty, fashion and other things, as do the men. In addition, we have different dynamics between genders. My Bulgarian girlfriend is used to being talked to on public transport, from cars or just people walking along her to talk to her. Things like this are seen as pushy and unwanted behavior from a man in the Netherlands and most men won’t do it. In addition, a serious lack of self-confidence and the idea that being “nice” to a girl will get you somewhere is enough to kill “being seen. Believe me.. You are seen and appreciated, it’s just not normal in our society to act upon your attraction to a random person on the street.
Thank you for leaving this comment! It is helpful. How is this behaviour affecting the man-woman relationship in Dutch society? Do you see any benefits?
You read my thoughts.
My dears,
You are holding the Dutch society responsible for the way you want to come out of your house is ridiculous.
Liberation includes being a woman, staying true to YOU. It also means, if you want or simply blend in with the others on the school yard, you are also welcome.
I was out on a date with a very attractive Dutch man who asked me “are you a gold digger?” as we were having our dinner, I should have felt offended, but instead, I remember being on the school yard, the boy who likes you, pinches or asks something ridiculous.
I looked at him and said, “Sweetie, not everyone grew up on a farm. Are you ready to leave the farm? this maybe why you are looking to learn about what elegance is. you are very good looking but it is not always about looks, this farmer mentality you want to be free from is strong, you may end up staying in the farm making cheese, most women like me are lacotse intolorent”
“Are you offended?” he asked (with those beautifyl blue eyes)
“No” I reply, “are you?” We dated for a few years.
On the same note, a couple of women (Dutch) once told me, “you are the type of women who make women like us look weak”
Mind you… I was waiting for my boyfriend to pick up my bike to park it for me, I was wearing these brand new and fabulous pair of stiletto heels. oh GOSH, I was feeling S0000 sexy! She almost crushed it.
So, I asked her to explain
She replies: “you can park the bike, you don’t need a man to do that for you”
I Looked my feet and said:
“girl! Do you see my feet? Are you insane? I am actually a super woman. To able to ask a man to do something for me, just because I am maintaining my womanhood makes me a dangerously strong and smart woman, I don’t need to look like a man to make a man listen or take me seriously, so pipe it. I get the it, but I’ve got this! And the best part is … I love watching his butt, so no, I don’t want to do it, and yes, I can do it if/when I want too, so you can go now, thank you”
I think She was a bit pissed off as her girlfriends pulled her.
Yes, I feel liberating as a woman in Amsterdam, but I am not going to join in, in wearing leopard prints, wet hair, dirty jeans etc…
So… be a woman and enjoy it
Loved this.
Loved the fact that you thought and wrote about this! Being Bulgarian myself I have absolutely had the exact same thoughts and impressions.
And even though living in the Netherlands for the last 10 years has with no doubt influenced me, I made a conscious choice.
I promised and agreed with myself that I will keep the woman inside me, protect her and don’t let anything to make her feel less of what she deserves to be 🙂 I do believe we all have the same choice.
And on the note of people noticing – I can tell for a fact that the majority of people, friends and colleagues, around me are noticing my femininity and the choice I made to keep to my true self and preserve the woman inside 🙂
Thanks for reading! Glad you found some comfort in my thoughts. Also good to hear about your choice when it comes to preserving – and showing – your feminine power. Inspiring!
I loved this article. I must say, when I moved here 14 years ago I was more of a tomboy. But in the meantime, I’ve discovered my feminine side (maybe because I missed it). And like Didi says, people DO notice. At random moments, someone will say that I always look so put together. Or ask me if I am going to a wedding or what (disapproval, clearly), but I really don’t care. I do it for myself and I love it. And I also notice whenever other people look put together and admire it. One other thing: I don’t participate in school activities, and I really don’t care. I have an open door policy at home, and my house (and car…) is always full of neighborhood kids. You do what you can.
It is to be admired that you managed to stay true to yourself for all these years, in both looks and behaviour. It seems to me you are doing the right thing. 🙂
so basically you’re saying that you don’t want attention from the “wrong” people (construction workers, random people in the store) but you do want attention from the people _you_ want to be noticed by?
isn’t that a bit double-standard?
and other than that, I hope it’s not that surprising that different places have different cultures, and not all those differences will have positive effects on everyone going there
The part with construction workers etc. was a quote from another person’s post.
What a wonderful timing.
I’ve just moved here. For the first 2 weeks I’ve noticed the lack of attention – and I thought that maybe I’m dressing uglier than Dutch girls, or I am not pretty enough. Now I started to understand that Dutch society is just like that – doesn’t really notice the woman in you, guys are not flirty in any significant way. I can also put it like this: they are not sexual in a way that I am used to 🙂 . Most of the time I enjoy with the fact I can relax about my looks a little bit (in Warsaw I wouldn’t go out without makeup!), but sometimes I miss these particular way that men look at me and delicate appreciation of me as a girl.
You fully understood my point, I get this from your comment! I miss exactly what you are missing. 🙂
I’m puzzled people call it “Dutch society”.
Did you check the news recently?
Any sort of iteration, including smile, or even asking out for a drink can be some sort of harassment.
Welcome to the new wonderful world, where sexual harassment is no more. Some might even find it enjoyable.
So funny, I just posted about this very thing on Instagram. I moved here from NYC nearly a year ago and when I was visiting NYC last month, I would walk past random guys who would yell out “good morning, beautiful!” and “how are you, queen?” and shockingly it felt… kinda NICE. For the first time in my life I wasn’t cringing at the unsolicited attention. And I realized it’s because I’ve spent the past year being invisible in Amsterdam. I’m not upset about it exactly, but it’s an interesting contrast. Maybe I wish there could be something in the middle…
Imagine 7 years! 😊 But I guess you are right, something in the middle would be nice.
Excellent piece. I’ve shared it on my FB page.
First time reading this blog as it was shared on my social media and I can’t agree more with the sentiment. Having probed further however, into the brains of more than a few Dutch men (and women), I have found them to be no different from any another nation but far better at hiding judgement and wandering eyes.
While this shouldn’t make a difference In the fashion choices of women I do believe there is an unspoken agreement about what is acceptable and expected. As you and I are looking admiringly at an impeccably dressed women stepping off a commuter train there are, I am assured countless other eyes judging either, “who does she think she is? She must be an expat” or the unfortunate other assumption about her sexuality. She sticks out in an otherwise vanilla world of trendy baggy trousers and reeboks.
I wonder if you’ve heard this at all? In a lot of ways I think the Dutch like to see themselves as a progressive nation and so these subects on gender and indeed race go largely unspoken.
Thank you for reading and for leaving this comment. You do understand what I mean, I can see that. 🙂 I haven’t heard anything ever being said to me on the street or train. I always have zero feed-back (and by that I don’t mean I am waiting for words, just a hint that I am noticed. This idea that, in order to be progressive, we need to blur our very essence (femininity – manhood) is rather sad to me. The future belongs to robots, I can see us getting there. 🙂
Hi! I’m also an expat living for two years in Amsterdam. I’ve read your post and Ana’s, let me share my thoughts.
First, a bit of context: I came from the south of Spain for work, have a sister of my age and shared my life with a girl for quite a few years back there, who was a lot into clothes and outlooks. It’s really easy to picture myself many of the moments you mentioned from your homeland. Things are very different here compared to our mediterranean countries, both in big issues like freedom in self expression, but also in terms of how people dress up and manage attention. I’d love to see many of those improvements back home, but it’s going to take a while.
One thing I didn’t understand quite well is your statement:
Joke aside, I do feel that my grace – my femininity, if you want – is slowly fading away in Amsterdam. That’s because I don’t really need it here.
What do you need it for exactly? If you mean at work as per a professional environment, welcome to The Netherlands: this is the most pragmatic and trading-oriented society in Europe. Understanding that the attention you get at work resides mostly in how much value you can provide to the company is going to make your life a whole lot easier.
If on the contrary you meant you need it in your social circles, in my humble opinion it’s an individual choice for someone to give you their attention based on how feminine you look and/or behave. It takes a while to understand how attention works in this country (I don’t think I have unlocked it completely). Being honest, I even had hard times wondering if I was being perceived as too shy or touchy at some moments. Question, how would you say are you perceived?
At the risk of speaking of too much about myself, let me give you a bit more of mindset context: I have been single for three years now, I enjoy people with good manners, men being what is called chivalrous, call it whatever you like. But hey, both out of respect, honesty and a desire to convey a warmer vibe than usual, that’s the kind of people I want around me.
That’s what I discovered that makes me happy. How happy are you with the perception that people get, and the one you get yourself? How important is this to you? Take this words as just a friendly different point of view.
“Question, how would you say are you perceived?” I have no idea at all how I am perceived, at work or in the Dutch society overall. I have zero feed-back. What is the difference between this and being invisible? 🙂
“What matters is what you can do. As a consequence, relationships tend to be more functional – the marriage or partnership, the friendship, the collegiality, the community. It’s all a transaction.”
This is extremely well put, you managed to summarise my overall feeling after 5 years living here. I miss the passion, the genuine consideration you can get from a random person you just started talking to.
Indeed. Without this kind of interaction, we end up feeling alienated in a country we otherwise like a lot.
If you only watch Dutch national TV channels for a prolonged period of time you will soon realize that the Dutch society has somewhat different values (and in some areas more evolved set of values to the certain extent) then the rest of the continental Europe. I moved to Amsterdam 6 months ago from Croatia, so I sympathize with what a girl from Romania could be experiencing after moving to Amsterdam. The fact is that the Dutch people hold very strongly of equality of all the different stakeholders in the Dutch society and particularly of gender equality. It takes time to understand and adapt to the fact that the rules to the game are different here. Dutch people are very self-aware, but not self-conscious about the outer appearance so much. On the contrary, they invest huge money, time and effort into proclaiming the values of the working class people. Hence, ignoring the shiny outer appearance is no coincidence, trust me. I personally feel more of a woman in the Netherlands then in Croatia, because in Croatia the young woman is pressured by the society to meet the norms of a beautiful, attractive, model-looking men-trophy. Being too a photographer and aesthetic, I feel blessed that I can express myself as a woman in the Netherlands, with regards to my appearance but also as a person.
“The fact is that the Dutch people hold very strongly of equality of all the different stakeholders in the Dutch society and particularly of gender equality. It takes time to understand and adapt to the fact that the rules to the game are different here. Dutch people are very self-aware, but not self-conscious about the outer appearance so much. On the contrary, they invest huge money, time and effort into proclaiming the values of the working class people. Hence, ignoring the shiny outer appearance is no coincidence, trust me.” I get your idea with the equality etc., but I don’t understand why we need to dress poorly in order to feel like good people. 🙂 About gender equality, there is no such thing per se. The two genders are not equal. They are different. Gender equality doesn’t mean that men should be like women and women should be like men. If women dress like men and act like men just to prove they are equal, then that’s really sad. Gender equality means that both sexes enjoy the same advantages / benefits (equal pay etc.) Does a woman have to become masculine to get to this point? Sounds like a very unattractive perspective to me.
You seem to have missed “trophy for a men” part.
Some people (I’d say terribly wrongly, but that’s it) believe that feeling attractive is not a form of empowerment, but is some sort of oppression since men also seem to enjoy when women do it.
Hallo Ladies,
well i m French and i live in the Netherlands for almost 30 years. I m not agreed with you and Ana. It’s your choice to put easy clothes, no make-up and no jewellery because you use the train and bike. I understand and i m agree that high heels doe not work in this country because of the streets.
This is not happening only in Amsterdam, It’s everywhere!!
I was 22 when i moved here so my adult life begun here, I develop myself as a feminine French Lady. That’s me! I want and chose to be feminine with my clothes, make up, shoes and jewellery. usually I only use my bike to go everywhere and take the train when it’s needed. I was surprised and still are how Dutch women are with their femininity.NO femininity at all: they look like almost men… It’s a pity.
I don’t need a party or something special to put nice sexy clothes on, It’s depends how I feel that day. All those years I received a lot of compliments about my way to be a FRENCH WOMAN IN THE NETHERLANDS. I don’t want to lose myself, to forget where I m coming from.
So YES i am visible…people see me.
Yes, you need to stay true to yourself and wear what makes you feel good, no matter where you live and no matter what the rest are (or are not) saying. I am well aware of that. 🙂
I am an expat that just started living in Amsterdam, I feel that the men find dressed down attractive here?
Also fantastic article, really sums up everything I feel since arriving here
Great article. I think it’s sad that the author hasn’t found the right balance in keeping her femininity while being practical at the same time. I don’t find it difficult. Maybe it’s because I’m half Italian and half Danish (Danish and Dutch women are very similar, though Dutch women were generally a lot more make up, I find Danish women more relaxed and casual) so I guess that finding balance is hard coded in my DNA and upbringing. However, men do see you. They just have been raised to not being pigs about it. Women see you too, no doubt about it. They just don’t fuss about it.
I have never encountered that ‘contribution’ aspect in social interactions, and I’ve been living here since 2005!
Half Italian & half Danish – that sounds like a recipe for success. 🙂 I am happy you are keeping the balance right!
We don’t see the world as it is, but we see the world as we are ourselves.
During commuting, hanging around town, going out ánd working, I do see, appreciate and look at friendly women. Both in basic or elegant clothes. I like it and I feel appreciation about that in return.
Maybe this article is more about an inner world than it is about romanticism or awareness within the city and it’s people.
What feelings do you get from the impression you are not seen and what personal growth can you take from that? Are you sure you are not seen? Maybe the dozen men that saw you from a distance were not noticed by you for example. How do you define being a woman and to what extent is being a woman defined by external opinions or reactions?
The other way around; how much do you appreciate certain men and how do you interact with them (you wrote about your partner, but do you give the same friendly attention to men as you somewhat would appreciate fróm them)? Do you offer them a sense of being noticed and are you able to provide them a sense of being appreciated for their appearance?
You are as worthy and feminin or whatever as you make it. If you let others dictate that for you, you would never achieve the right amount of satisfaction for you are placing it externally. And you give what you get, you change a mindset, you change reactions from the outside world.
What city according to you might have the perfect amount of not being harassed and welcome elements like being friendly, noticed or appreciated for your femininity? And would you enjoy living there better?
Thank you for sharing an interesting and very intimate perspective from an expat and female point of view!
Hi Tristan, and thanks for sharing your view on this. This post is not about me defining myself in relation to what others think or not think of me. What I was referring to was a sort of rigid dynamics between men and women, in which the joy, the playfulness is almost non existent. No man will smile or respectfully nod his head as a way to show his appreciation for a lady’s presence. This is what I’m talking about. I can recall a different thing from my trips to Rome or Paris… Men are more expressive and so are the women. It just adds beauty to life, don’t you think? 🙂
I agree with overall sentiments over your post but “No man will smile or respectfully nod his head as a way to show his appreciation for a lady’s presence” is taking things a bit too far. They’ll do it more subtle and won’t often follow up, but smiles and nods I’ve gotten a plenty.
While I understand where you are coming from, I must share a bit of my experience.
To me, when I was much younger I might have thought a bit like your article, but now nothing can take away the woman in me or my femininity, no matter what I wear.
I have it in me, in all my glory, high heels or not, dresses or pyjamas.
It is in the way I walk, I speak, I think, I care for other people, the way I look at him adoringly (as he is to me the person who is most deserving of my adoration and respect), the way I understand my position and function as a woman, (Don’t get me wrong, I am for gender equality in rights and pay, but I still think that there are fundamental differences between a woman and a man and we should be fair and accepting to each other’s roles in life) and lastly, as I am a woman who is a partner to a (wonderful) man, a mother to the most beautiful child, a sister, a best friend, those are all the roles that constantly make me feel a woman.
But I am done with putting too much importance on my looks or caring too much of what people think, I think that is real liberation. But to be fair, I have only started to be like that towards by 38th birthday. For me personally, my self confidence and self worth got much stronger the older I get, and I felt I didn’t really need the approval of others anymore.
After living in New zealand, Indonesia, New York and now in Belgium, I have taken all experiences from all those places and have become a very independent, graceful, feminine yet pragmatic woman. And I really really enjoy what I have become.
Thanks for sharing your experience!
People value you as a person here. Nobody is treating you different for how you look, that is the way it is supposed to be. The only people who should be complimenting you on your efforts for dressing up when you do are your partner and family/friends cause those people are the ones it means the most from, not random unsolicited comments from strangers.
Think of random comments from trolls on the internet. Everyone knows they should not react cause it’s empty and meaningless. This is exactly the same thing as getting comments on appearance from strangers: meaningless and empty. If you get your confidence and self worth from meaningless praise from people who don’t even know you as a person… that is really sad.
And its also sad that given an opportunity to experience a society that doesn’t uphold the old fashion idea of a woman’s value being the way she looks, instead of being liberated and finding your self worth, your are bemoaning the loss of crass objectification and fake self esteem boosts instead.
Your looks can be taken from you at any moment, and contribute NOTHING to your value as a person. And they will fade anyway. By that time you will be happy this country values you as a person instead of superficial, meaningless attributes.
Thanks for expressing your point of view. I do think you are taking it a bit to the extremes. I do not approve of women’s objectification, cat-calling, harassment, and the like. This is definitely not what this post is about. I mentioned from the very beginning that I do feel grateful for living in a country where I feel safe from this aspect. Needless to say, I don’t get my self-esteem from the comments of strangers. That would be, like you said, a false representation. I did not even mention I was looking for any compliments to start with. 🙂 What I was finding a bit sad was a total lack of acknowledgment, perception. Perhaps I am the romantic kind of person who finds this pragmatic way of being and expressing – that is, the lack of any expression – a bit too harsh. That’s all.
Syn, you are out of touch with reality, really.haha
Your comparisson of everyday men and women with internet trolls who hide their face and identity to purposefully harass without consenquences tells us a lot about the Dark dark world you live in your mind. You crazy. Paranoid crazy ?
That dark world that you describe us is PRECISELY the type of mindset that Amsterdamming and others dislike, and for a good reeason. It’s cold, it’s fearful and to nobody’s enjoyment.
Yet, many citizens of “seemingly” open societies are trapped into this. Maybe that’s why tourists from Germany, Holland, Sweden, UK etc visit Greece every summer and they flirt with locals and they have sex in public beaches like animals. They seem so opressed in their countries by people like you, who shame them for enjoying common normal human relationship between strangers who might be their next best friend or husband/wife yet they dont know it !
And do you really think Dutch society or any society doesnt value looks? Go ask your husband. Did he want to shag you after you showed him your personality or after you showed him your nice pair of tits? haha , that was so cheap, i know. Yet it is true!
and no no, do not confuse “i-dont- care-about-anyone society” with “free open and accepting society” .
As a young Greek man I can assure you I am more laid back and cool with sexuality and I show courtesy even between strangers. Moast Greeks do. Maybe they are not our family but they are part of a bigger family home that is Greece. So, even if I say to a woman “Goodmorning” on the street, its not that her life became happiest ever, but it gives her smile for a moment. Yet , it is much better than portraying unknown people …as Trolls. hahah im still laughing at this image.
This very comment section is anonymous! By your principles, the poster and the commenters shouldn’t matter to you. Yet you care to discuss.
What do i know ?im still 19
Agree with Syn.
Don’t really know what you mean by the lack of romance because that has little to do with people looking at you in the streets and is something shared between two people and I’ve seen plenty of couples around Amsterdam walking hand in hand. I also can’t say that I share the thought that Amsterdam is a city where you go unnoticed, because I’ve had plenty of eye contact with men. I do agree that they don’t initiate anything after that (people really do fear rejection here), but neither do I because I’m usually going somewhere or am hanging out with friends.
I do have to agree there’s less catcalling in Amsterdam than in other cities/towns in the Netherlands and especially compared to other countries, but I view that as a very positive thing. Because (as a Dutch woman) it’s true that I don’t like to be bothered by comments from complete strangers as I go about my daily business.
To me it actually feels empowering to not have to worry too much about my looks, because I’m being appreciated for my other qualities. I think it’s sad that some women feel as if they can’t go away from home without a full face of make-up and pretty clothes, because beauty comes from within. I also think you’re taking it a bit too far with the ‘killing the woman in me’. Pretty dresses, heels, jewelry and make-up do not make a woman, because then being a woman would be a very superficial thing. It’s empowering that women can wear whatever they want here and men as well.
Last I would like to add that slut shaming is actually still there unfortunately, but way less than in other countries. People here just say it more behind your back or over social media, because just as a fear of rejection, there’s also a certain fear of confrontation I think.
Selena, have you been to Paris? How was the vibe compared to Amsterdam, in terms of men-women dynamics? That’s what I’m talking about. And allow me to disagree about looks. To me, looks/way of dressing are also important. Of course, it is not everything, nor the most important thing in a woman. But I do believe a woman looks better in nice, womanly clothes. It doesn’t mean that if she looks good / dresses nice she doesn’t have any other quality, like intelligence, strength, inner beauty. Beauty / elegance does not shadow the other qualities of a woman, it should complement or even enhance them.
I have been about 5 times, although the first two times I was too young so let’s not count those. To be honest I thought there were some cute couples at all the tourist attractions, but the normal people in the street were rushed and even rude sometimes. But more than enough people dressed very elegantly, that’s true. Same goes for Barcelona and Milan, the people there did not look very friendly in passing by. The big cities where I thought there was a very good vibe were London and Venice.
Also I’ve never said that looks are unimportant. I like dressing up, I like wearing make-up and jewellery and therefore I still do it and I don’t see why you don’t if you like it so much. I’m happy though that I don’t have to when I don’t have the time or just feel like wearing a comfy sweater and messy bun and no make-up at all. I don’t feel less feminine those days, because “nice, womanly clothes” aren’t what makes a woman. It’s a great thing that women, and men as well, have the freedom here to not have to live up to the social and cultural standards that this society has for men and women. If men want to wear a crop top or make-up then people in Amsterdam could care less and the same goes for women wanting to wear men’s clothing and have short hair.
Thing is, in your article you make it sound as if those superficial things are what makes you feel like a woman, which is weird because in the 17th century men also wore heels, make-up, dresses and wigs, so those things have nothing to do with feminity and only with cultural and social constructs of how people should be. So why complain that your feminity is fading away when that has little to do with the superficial (but fun) things you mention? Why not just dress up like the woman you could miss a train for out of admiration? Because you can wear whatever you want in Amsterdam as you point out. Annoying streets, why not wear wedges if you want to wear cute “womanly clothes”? You have the freedom to do whatever you want without being judged (too much), so use it.
True, I am free to wear whatever in Amsterdam, including that elegant attire I am talking about in my post. I am well aware of that. But that “quelque chose,” that discreet feed-back, will always be missing. At least, that’s how I feel about it. 🙂
I really recognize what you say. This is exactly how it is to be a woman in the Netherlands. People don’t see you. But mind you, they don’t really “see” anyone.
Going a bit deeper on this topic though, what I’ve unfortunately learned from the Dutch after living here for 7 years is that there is a very marked gender bias. Despite the independence and respect women receive on the street, its a very sexist culture. You can see this everywhere from some of the paternity benefits (2 days leave for dads) to the actual huge gender employment gap that exists.
The truth is that despite progressiveness on the surface, allowing women to dress as they like and keeping sexist comments to themselves, the men here as just as sexist as anywhere else. All male groups will still make sexist jokes (I know b/c of my husband) and more female characteristics are less valued. Women also tend to stick to very narrow gender roles.
On a positive note though, girls in the Netherlands are taught that they have a right to enjoy sex and to choose how and when to have it. This ownership of your own body is definitely something to admire, even if it does mean that sometimes you slack off and skip the makeup.
As for outward appearances, as a rule I’ve always worn light makeup to work, but since a few weeks I’ve tried not wearing it and find it makes no difference to anyone. I find it nice to be able to choose for myself if I do or don’t, and somehow I feel like a woman for myself. In the end, what being a woman means is something you have to define for yourself.
“But mind you, they don’t really “see” anyone.” – yes, that’s the feeling! 😐
😅 Well Amsterdam hasn’t killed the woman in me yet. I choose what I wear for my own feel-good So it really depends on my mood. I wouldn’t feel invisible just cause no-one compliments me. There are reflective windows every where ….🤣😂 I always check myself out 😉
“There are reflective windows every where” – haha, will try to do that more often. 😛
Love this! Yes girl, check yourself out. I did it for me!
It’s so true! My boyfriend sometimes asks me: “why do you dress up like that, we’re just grabbing some food/seeing my parents etc.” I just need to feel like a woman! And yes I can definitely walK those bricks in my highest heels! Haha… I love this article (being a Dutchie myself)!
Amsterdam, of all cities, is the place where you can stand out from the ‘dull looking crowd’. I come from the same place and have been adopted by the same city as you, so I noticed the difference. However, I have seen both types here (‘the Italian lady type and…. well, the rest)
If the only socially acceptable dress code/style/fashion would be ‘baggy pants, sneakers and hairy armpits’, then one could say that Amsterdam is to blame. Yet, it is all a matter of how you want to see yourself in the mirror. For you, not for the Dutch! So get your high heels, nice outfits and stand out proud! Make the Italian lady admire you!
Thank you for this. While reading your article, this thought received shape in my head: strip the unessential, not the very essence of your being. Have a happy day, Andra!
I’m Dutch and live in Canada. In Holland people dress the way they like. A lot of people have their own unique styles, a lot of people wear what’s “in” at that moment – as some Dutch women don’t want to get extra attention or stand out from the crowd (it makes them feel uncomfortable). But it’s always up to you what you want to wear. I’m working in fashion and used to wear heels often when still in the Netherlands. And yes, when a group of construction workers whistled at me, it made me feel uncomfortable. But that didn’t affect the way I dress. I’ve also had days I wore something casual and more comfortable, and received a note from a guy on the train asking me to go on a date with him. I’ve had plenty of eye contact and comments on my outfits, or certain things like my bag or shoes. I think if you’re open to that contact, you will receive it. But as you said you have a partner, so you’re not looking for eye contact or a date with someone you met on the train – so maybe you’re just not open to it? Keep in mind, in the Netherlands everyone sees each other – some people make an effort to say something, some people don’t. I never left the house without makeup in the Netherlands and never in pyjamas – here in Canada they won’t notice it if you do leave the house in pyjamas and without wearing makeup (I still won’t do this though). I’m going back to Holland for a visit next week, and can’t wait to dress nicely again – as in Canada 90% of the people don’t care about style. In the Netherlands it’s different, most people care about their looks – some might dress comfortably, but usually always stylish.
There is a strange contradiction in your blog. At first, you were noticed and recieved feedback on your black dress and bijouterie. Later no feedback even more although you dressed more elegantly. The issue is that behind ‘here-you-can-wear-what-you-want’ there is group discipline to adjust to wear ugly cloths, undressed hair and no make-up. There is a margin and within that bandwidth nobody will say anything as if you go unnoticed, but up to the point you really put on nice cloths, fashion stuff … they start to put you back into the frame. And this goes for women, but also for men … and yes, flirting is so absent that one wonders how those people find a partner. I am Dutch, but have lived to long abroad to not notice the things you rightly observe.
I found your article looking for information on how sexist the society is in Amsterdam. I am here just for a day and I felt deeply uncomfortable by the undesired attention I got walking the streets today.
I am Brazilian, living in London and I remembered feeling invisible when I first moved to UK, about 10 years ago. I even questioned my boyfriend at the time wondering if maybe I was not “the type” of British men. With time I understood that was far from the truth and also why not being “noticed” made me feel uncomfortable back then. I was younger and heavily influenced by the extremely sexist Brazilian society and I really needed that “approval”. I needed to feel I was pretty and nice because I was led to believe that was one of the most important things for a woman to be. Expectations for me as a woman where to find “the one” and start a family to be “complete”. Being pretty was expected on a desirable woman and being desired meant to be valued and able to full fill my “role”.
I don’t believe in that anymore. I personally enjoy clothes and do spend a lot of money and effort trying to look good. But that is for me and nobody else and all approval. I need and look for is my own.
I am in Amsterdam this week for a workshop and I noticed plenty of women in heels and nice clothes riding bikes. I also got a lot of looks, smiles and got even catcalled in the street wearing a long skirt, ballerinas and militar jacket. I bought food in Albert Heijn to avoid eating alone in a restaurant and as soon as it got dark I’ve come to hide in my apartment.
I was about to abandon my plans of riding a tram to my workshop tomorrow fearing to harassed on rush hour and reading your post I feel a bit safer.
But, what makes me comment here is that I also feel sad that you might be looking at this with a rather narrow angle and actually missing an opportunity to redefine what it means to be a woman. You are probably as noticed as I was today. The difference is that you might be unconsciously looking for an approval that I am actively rejecting. You don’t need to be noticed by the way you look. Also, being “feminine” is not what makes you a woman. Those ladies in saggy bottoms and no make-up are not less of a woman than your Italian neighbour. Feminine beauty is a social construct, a dictated ideal, largely created by men, to ensure the hierarchy of patriarchal society. In that way women are reduced to passive objects, whose beauty regimes and feminine attributes confine us to a life devoid of action and thought.
You are looking to be noticed and approved by standards that were imposed to you and now you have an opportunity to let it go. Do not allow yourself to be limited by other people’s ideas of what you are or how you should behave or how you should look like. Wear your bodycon dress, your red lipstick and your gipsy bangles if you like them and they made you feel good. Don’t wear them if they limit you and make you feel less in any way. “The most potent weapon of the oppressor is the mind of the oppressed.” Free your mind to define how the woman in you should be.
Marxist nonsense. The universe is ruled by love not power. Look what Marxism brought. Love and do what you will.
As a Brazilian traveling in Amsterdam I found women to be really beautiful here and I like the way they dress. Where I live women will do everything to be noticed and I don’t like that or even think it makes them more beautiful dressing the way they do with so much make up and a flashy outfit. Trying to show a sexy body can go the opposite direction of dressing well there too. But I did feel that being flirtatious or looking too directly wasn’t comfortable for women as it is in Brazil to the point I wondered how people show intentions. So maybe men don’t give you much attention because they don’t expect you to like it? You know… Those women at the Red Light district get a lot of attention haha It’s not just the way we’re dressing but the vibe we are giving off. I now have found it easier to flirt here after a while but realized there needs to be more comfort between me and a woman and clearity of intentions as well. About the man who asked you if you were going to a party I personally think he liked the way you were dressing but tried to tease you to beg your attention himself.
They are afraid. Walking shadows fearful of human contact, thinking that they are superior.
Robots? Drones? Asexual, genderless, empty.
Denying their inner animal, plastic food, plastic life, plastic souls.
They plant tree using algorithms, they create green spaces using statistics, they live using metrics.
And they are all afraid. The entire anglo-world included.
They are afraid to step out of line.
They are so conformists that they ever tattoo themselves as young, together, because that is what their conformist hive mind think.
And they are afraid.
The fear is the number one feeling of most western nations. Anxiety and fear.
Fear of rejection, fear of critics, fear of words, fear of toughs.
Everything is fear.
They moved from a very conservative society to a liberal one too fast. They got from abject oppressive rules, to “freedom”.
But they are not free. That is the new “convention”.
So they are here, societies that celebrate sexuality and individuality with a hive mind.
Is ok to be gay, is not ok to compliment a woman. We are afraid of that, that is bad, that is evil, that must be erased, we, the hive, today label that as “problematic”.
But is ok to compliment a man, a gay man, a transsexual. Is ok, because we as a hive today label that as being “ok”, not “problematic”.
You can do that, don’t do the other one, the other one is not ok.
Is ok to have tattoos now, we as a hive mind say is ok. Tattoos are accepted, same goes for piercing, we, the hive, today, accept piercings and tattoos. Yesterday we did not, tomorrow we may not. Today are ok, we, the hive are ok with that.
Dress sexy is ok, you are a woman, being a woman is ok. We the hive agree that women are free and they can dress sexy.
Today, we, the hive, do not condone women for dressing sexy. We did yesterday, we may do it tomorrow, but today is ok.
We condone men for looking, staring, talking, nodding, smiling, or noticing a sexy outfit on a woman.
We, the hive did not condoned them yesterday, we do now, that is “problematic”. Today is not ok…
The hive has spoken.
Now everyone “be free”, and let’s all celebrate our “personal freedoms” as long as they are approved by the hive!
Western nations have a deep connection with hypocrisy.
They pretend to be “individualistic” but not even during the communism in the east I did not see such uniformity.
this is the state of the west today, anxious, decaying and conformist, while celebrating “individuality” and “personal freedoms”
there is nothing more telling and conformist than a pride parade anywhere in the west
is truly sad
Excellent
You are conflating “living in Amsterdam” with “aging.”
So essentially you’re getting a taste of what being a man is like and you don’t like it.
Hahaha.. Men and women are only intelligible relative to each other. Love creates life. Love only exists for life.
You have achieved equality to a man. Good job. Men are invisible. Nobody notices them. Nobody cares. That’s the EQUALITY you women have been screeching about and burning down the society to achieve. I hope you enjoy it.
And that is if you’re lucky and are average or handsome in appearance. if you’re ugly like me you get judged and mocked by every one passing by. xD
Feminism , in a very purinatical version, has been a big power in the Netherlands for decades. Believe me, Dutch men would love to contact beautiful women, to admire them openly, to love and have romances, but they are not allowed to, although it may not be officially forbidden by law. It is simply not done. The Frenchwoman Sophie Perrier wrote a book about this subject.
Would you believe Dutch feminists are still complaining about street harassment and signing petitions to have it outlawed? One out of three Dutch adults is single and mostly not by choice. There is a desexualising disaster happening all over the Western world.
They need less Marxist feminism and more Aristotle. Final cause. Love is what moves without moving itself.
Stumbled upon this eye opening personal account of living in a new & ‘romantic’ city, with something unnervingly amiss. I live in another liberal/progressive city, & too have found the drab unisex fashion sense with a side of soulless social interactions maddening.
Different values, I only wish I had solved this puzzle earlier, having spent 4 years in miserably cold & rainy city.
The resonance of this peice, though from a sad place, is extremely validating. Some people need social interaction, & the warmth of a human smile.
I’ve been wrestling with the idea lately of moving somewhere for the people first, leaving the aesthetics, supposed values, on the back-burner. A place is only as nurturing as the members of its community can be.
Hope you find your happiness before becoming “accustomed” & “fitting in”, iow becoming like that which was so unsatisfying in the beginning.
Nobody cares about you, invisible woman. Welcome to the 21st century, where you finally got what you demanded.
After reading this well written article, I’d like to visit Amsterdam sometime and see this for myself. A vision of the future perhaps?
It’s interesting that I’m not the only one who feels it’s hard. My family moved from Ireland to Zuid Holland when I was 8 years old, so I had the basics of Irish culture ingrained in me and had to grow up in the Netherlands, which is like a whole other planet. I find it hard to balance the “I’m tired and lazy just grab some jeans and go” mentality with the “but look at how cute I COULD be” core I have. Especially because I live in a smaller town, and if you dress up here, you will be noticed. Not in a good way.
Also, being more ‘dressed up’ here and wearing a full face of makeup is often seen as something “for the uneducated” and I’ve been told if I want to be taken seriously in college I need to wear less makeup. As I emerge from turbulent puberty, I feel myself caring less and less. Dutch culture is centered around not caring about what other people think about you, so I go ahead and ‘assimilate’ like everybody tells me to: I don’t care, I slap on some glittery gold eyeshadow and a pretty dress, and I rock it. If somebody notices me, then great. If nobody does, I send selfies to friends and playfully demand their love and attention. (It should be noted that all my friends are also expats living in the Netherlands and not actual Dutch people… coincidence? I think not)
There are ways to live around Dutch culture without being suffocated by its differences from your own culture, they just take a really long time to get the hang of… Give it a solid decade, maybe more. You’ll get there.
Thanks! Great article. Exactly my feeling. It’s always a breath of fresh air when leaving the country from time to time and feeling that people do suddenly take notice of your presence in this world (and no – of course it’s not just about looks). As you say: it’s really about recognising each other’s presence. There’s a huge difference between cat-calling and recognition.
Excellent article!
I live in the Netherlands. Unlike elsewhere in the world, flirting (by men) is considered as not done. For that reason it might seem you are invisible. Besides that, Dutch people are among the worst dressed in the world. Generally speaking clothes should be comfy rather than elegant. Elegance is considered as upper class, and in the Dutch culture people are obsessed with equality.
Another fact: in rural Netherlands, a lot of women above 40 years old have a male hairstyle.
I don’t really get what you’re on about… I see many glamorous looking women in Amsterdam, including at my job at an international company. I see short summer skirts being warn whilst cycling, which would surely reveal a glimpse of knicker if I wasn’t too afraid to look for fear of being seen as a pervert. I certainly look at women I find attractive each and every day, for just over .2 of a second in case it gets creepy. Would women rather we actually said so every time we thought you look attractive? I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do any more.
Also, if you think people dress down here… you should try living in Bristol in the UK… that’s where real dressing down occurs, and it’s cool because you can dress how you want. ANd if you dress ‘up’ it stands out, so that’s fine. I’d hate to be in a culture like in Seoul where women dress up all the time so you have no idea what they are really like.
Women show off with their beauty and men with their status. I think women are much spoiled by younger men who pamper them. The problem is that I see a lot of women, wearing a very short skirt for example and when ever they see a guy looking, they have the need to show that they are modest and have issues been looked at, by trying to pull their skirt to cover up their legs.
It’s a way of signaling and fake modesty. What it actually means, is: “I’ve shaved my legs to show them but that doesn’t give you the right to look, you pervert”.
My personal opinion about this behavior is that I see these kind of women like women who dress to humiliate men who show interest.
These kind of women actually are humiliated themselves when u don’t look at them. Starting to get rude sometimes, eye rolling or sneering. With all this and the #meto culture men are very happy to just deny feminine beauty and do whatever they do.
I was not crazy!!!!! I knew it!!! I always had this thoughts about womens in Netherlands in general. Wow you are a special writer! My congratulations to picking up all the details that was eating my doubts and thoughts everyday! There are still man that see girls around and want to look at them how beautiful they are, just dont be rude to them 🙂
Nice article, it leaves me with one question though. Why should you be more ‘visible’ when you dress up femininely? I definitely agree that people should start noticing other people a little bit more and should be a bit more in touch with their direct environment (I only have these street connection moments with elderly or foreigners). However, I still believe this has nothing to do with the way you dress or look. Should the people who put more effort into their appearance receive more attention?? It doesn’t change who they are and your potential connection with them.
Came upon your blog while searching “Dutch men + misogyny”. I’m an American woman traveling Europe. In nearly every hostel I have visited, I’ve encountered aggressively anti-feminist Dutch men. Several male commenters here underline this pattern (“U CUNTS GOT WHAT U WANTED, RITE?!”… basically). Anyway, beautiful and thoughtful piece. Wish we could have these nuanced discussions away from the eyes of incels. You navigate them with a lot of grace.
Agreed. She is incredibly graceful and navigating her commentators.